When listening and saying nothing is perfect support

“Sometimes we just need to sit with people in the mud, and make sure they feel seen, heard and supported.”
—Allan Kehler

Got this quote from a LinkedIn post.

For allies of special needs families, know that many of their problems are insurmountable.

There are no fixes.

Fixes that could exist (such as in service systems) will take longer than they should, if they ever happen at all.

A parent today was asking a special needs attorney if there’s a way to do an emergency appeal, since the appeals system for her child’s educational needs is so bogged down…

A child’s physical, cognitive, and emotional statuses may or may not change.

Things might even get worse.

I just talked with a mom who’d adjusted well to her child’s initial condition, only to have a brand new condition arise.

This put Mom back at square one in the puzzle of what their lives will become.

• It’s hard to feel helpless while your friend or family member is suffering.

But trying to change the subject or turn reality another color can easily backfire.

That person may stop sharing their reality with you.

They’ll self-censor.
Another burden to shoulder…

Instead, you can listen to their woes without:

— trying to change the person’s viewpoint (e.g. trying to find a silver lining).

— offering false hope (things will get better).

— changing the subject.

— ending the conversation altogether.

— pretending you understand what they’re going through (you don’t, even if you have an idea, even if the same thing happened to you. They aren’t you.)

Just listening.

Letting them tell the same story you’ve already heard (because it’s still their reality).

Being an empathetic receptive vessel.

This alone, unembellished, can be of great help.

They don’t need you to diagnose or hand out treatment plans.

They’ve got professionals for that.

And if they want help problem solving let them ask.

People know how to seek help.
Allow them their dignity.

The fact of the matter is, usually problem solving is not what they want or need.

But if you’re a willing, nonintrusive listener (not asking probing questions to guide the conversation)?

That’s a needle in a haystack they’ve found.

Are you willing to give it a try?
Just keeping your mouth shut and ears and heart open?

What are things I’ve left off the list that irk YOU, when all you need is someone to witness your pain?

—Julie