One thing parents with kids with special needs experience, in spades, is ongoing grief. 

New losses keep popping up. 

New health challenges combine with more milestones missed… more out of reach opportunities… more dashed dreams. 

Some won’t be going to college when they’re 18… or getting married, ever… or…

When hopes and plans go south, we can focus on what went wrong or on what we need to do now. 

These parents are masters at taking next steps into the unknown. Living with the discomfort of uncertainty. 

• Risking “failure” isn’t a choice for them.

Some of us don’t make decisions —we procrastinate— because we’re not sure our plan will work. We’re unwilling to risk “failure.”

• But strivers don’t see “failure” as failure. 

They see it as a step in a direction they’re going. They took action and it didn’t work as expected or wanted.

They use each step as fodder for learning what they want and don’t want… what works and doesn’t... as a DIAGNOSTIC, pointing toward what to d...

I just read a few social media posts talking about boundaries...how in corporate and tech, you’ll get eaten alive if you don’t look out for yourself. 

About how boundaries can create “clarity and respect, allowing relationships to thrive.”

These are important topics, definitely easier said than done.

As a parent of a child with a complex medical condition, setting boundaries is a more slippery slope than even doing that on your job.

When your child's in the care of others— at school, receiving therapy, or even getting respite care while you (supposedly) decompress— boundaries and advocacy are a high stakes matter. 

Your child’s at the mercy of others.

So when something needs change, advocacy may have consequences you might not want to risk. 

You worry about what might happen behind your back, because you’re a squeaky wheel.

Will the provider take their frustration out with YOU—your ideas and requests—on your child? 

Even parents of non special needs kids may falter and not spe...

Obviously, we live in busy times. Schedules are filled to the brim, and then some. Especially for families. 

Whether you work inside the home taking care of family needs or outside earning an income (and then inside…taking care of things), it’s all a bit much for one person. 

Humans aren’t designed for the pace of life we now must manage, nor for the nuclear family unit model. 

For us with health conditions that slow us down, or being a caretaker of someone, more complexity gets added to the picture. 

For me, especially with low grade chronic health issues, it’s easy to downplay the importance of taking better care of myself. 

It’s easy to become complacent, because every single day, doing something to take better care of yourself can be what nobody else notices, so it’s not missed. 

Self care can become a battle, wrestling with my mind that tells me it’s not worth that much work…it’s an impossible task anyway…other urgent things must be done first. 

Urgency wins out over what’s...

Isn’t it amazing how much beliefs factor into our success?

Beliefs are a mindset choice and they’re either hurting or helping us.

Yet it takes effort to uncover what’s happening on this automatic level.

Then it takes intentional work to shift those beliefs that are not serving us.

The reason you hear so many amazing stories of overcoming adversity is because people were forced to change.

And in the process of feeling lost and stuck in confusion and uncertainty, they were forced to adjust their beliefs about what they could, should, and now wanted to do.

Resulting from this discovery and reconciliation process they find themselves transformed into a new version of themselves they never could have imagined.

But they never could have imagined that version with their old set of beliefs, could they?

It takes courage to question what we believe to be true…when we’re not up against a wall.

To just choose one day to explore our beliefs.

Because it might lead to needing to change. To ...

What’s the difference between an assumption and a belief?

Assumptions ARE beliefs, but not held with as much conviction. 

They’re often made on the spot, based on context. 

And, beliefs are built on assumptions of things we believe to be true. 

They’re deeply rooted and enduring, even in the absence of evidence. 

When we choose to examine our beliefs, we must question every assumption’s validity that creates the belief.

This is what makes changing, or upgrading our beliefs based on new assumptions, a challenge.

Assumptions are often buried deep within us, connected to things of the past, to other people’s beliefs, opinions, and intentions. 

—Circumstances that did not originate from ourselves but mold who we are.

As adults, now we get to question those beliefs and assumptions, if we choose, and become more aligned with who we actually are. 

Once we change our beliefs, we can change our actions to better serve ourselves and reach our potential for success and fulfillment. 

Using shame is an authoritative cop out. It’s a power-over attempt to be punitive. The goal is to induce guilt which can change future behavior. 

And it’s delivered with contempt. That hideous, self-righteous expression — nose squinched in, pulling the upper lip up and barring your teeth. 

But guilt and shame are different animals. Shame tends to shut people down and shut others out. Guilt may help a person feel contrite, and because of true remorse, take different future actions. 

The problem is that attempts to induce shame or guilt are both on the punitive end of the influence spectrum.

And punishment generally doesn’t teach people to think like you or care about what you care about. It puts them in survival mode.

Yes, it might have gotten the compliance from children that parents sought. (At a grave price—disrespect for the one in authority, and later,  often, oneself.) 

It can prompt people to dig in their heels. Think of the last time you did this, to save your ego. So this...

Resolutely practical, It is what it is used to be the way I saw things. I refused to ignore reality because, in fact, It is what it is. Looking at what is, I considered cause and effect, then focused on next steps. 

Except that reality holds so much more than the eye can see or instruments can measure. It holds our psyches and hearts, and one person’s truth which is not another’s. 

Nuances are mind gifts - offerings about focus. So how can nuance help us?

Adding nuance to the reality of It is what it is can be especially helpful in times of distress. When situations are not predicted to change, change immediately, or when things are simply out of our control, nuance can be a lifesaver. 

I bought a house. The walls were HIDEOUS - textured, dust sitting atop every bit of horizontal texture, spider webs drawn across tips of texture with dog hairs lodged in them. The bathroom was the worst. Walls were like extra thick cake frosting, like huge stalactites going horizontal. The ceiling -...

What is my aim? What are my intentions in life? How can I find that voice who knows exactly where I should be, what I should do and how?

Many of us have a pretty clear aim in life - to make a contribution. Contribution being a core human need, we quest for a particular strategy to pull this off. 

What if we begin by systematically connecting with that inner voice, that all knowing self, the judge best suited for YOUR choices and yours alone? Combine this with "it is what it is” and you’re working with strong tactics. Invisible, unmeasurable, these truths are always at our service. 

When we override these two realities we try to push the river. 

A less esoteric view on this is Seth Godin’s teaching on shipping. He teaches us to ship, to get our work into the world. Ship then iterate. Only after shipping can we become more clear about the effects of our work. Shipping leads to clarity. Clarity produces greater satisfaction.

I learned bespoke jacket making from a master. Day in an...

We give ourselves sales pitches, knowing things aren’t acceptable - to keep us put.

Change is scary - the comfort zone gets our votes. And we treat stepping into the void as a crime.

We take direction from others while effortlessly overriding our own clarity. This habit’s drilled into us as children, in order to learn self-control. 

Adults have the luxury to recognize and override resistance to change. The trick is to catch yourself at the brink of overriding your truth.

Our higher self, our intuition, our all seeing all knowing confidant, advises us from a vantage point of knowing what’s best - from your perspective. No therapist, family member or any other will EVER be as aligned with your true agenda as your inner wisdom.

If we choose to override our truths we cower to resistance. Our fear of negative judgement,  failure, and our TERROR of the void all keep us stuck. We allow fear to call the shots. 

If we follow our inner knowing we may feel a bit out of control. After all, ...

Dearest Little Julie,

Everyone makes mistakes - many more that we like to admit. Some are big, some are medium, some are small. Some get you in trouble, and some just make you feel bad. When you make a mistake, do you ever feel dumb, and get mad at yourself? That's what happens to most people.

Mistakes happen, and they can cost us a lot, in different ways. You can lose money. You can lose a friendship over a mistake. There are too many things to list that we lose because of mistakes. 

What's the biggest mistake you've ever made? How did you feel after you found out it was a mistake? What, if anything, did you lose? If you were mad, are you still mad? 

Many people never forgive themselves or others for mistakes. Think back to a mistake you made, one that you still feel bad about. What is it costing you to keep feeling bad about it? Does it make you afraid about whether you're good enough? If it does, then worrying about a past mistake is costing you a lot. You might have even lost y...